A comprehensive look at crypto venture capital, a list of 10 types of crypto venture capital and classic rhetoric

This satirical guide humorously categorizes 10 types of crypto venture capitalists (VCs) to help founders identify and avoid problematic investors while seeking genuine partners.

"We don’t support airdrops" VCs: Hypocritically oppose airdrops but dump tokens post-lockup, preaching "real value" while ignoring their own portfolios' poor performance.
"Please work with my marketing agency" VCs: Push portfolio companies to hire their affiliated (often subpar) agencies, recycling investment funds through forced partnerships.
"Theme-driven" VCs: Stuck in outdated trends (e.g., Web3 social, metaverse), now blindly chasing anything labeled "AI" without understanding the tech.
"Founder-friendly" VCs: Waste founders' time with lengthy due diligence, then ghost when it’s time to invest—only to later take credit for others' funding successes.
Ex-traditional finance VCs: Flaunt past roles (e.g., Goldman Sachs) but lack crypto basics, like gas fees or hardware wallets, offering generic advice instead of niche expertise.
FOMO VCs: Ignore pitches until competitors show interest, then pressure founders with terrible terms and fake urgency—while delaying paperwork.
"Long-term holders" VCs: Claim alignment with long-term vision but panic-sell during dips, blaming "market conditions" while demanding board seats.
"Thought leader" VCs: Gain followers by regurgitating others' ideas, offering hollow "consulting" for token shares, with advice like "hire crypto influencers."
"Wouldn’t normally invest this early" VCs: Act like they’re doing favors by joining seed rounds but demand Series B-level control, harassing founders for trivial updates.
The rare builder VC: Asks insightful technical questions, adds real value beyond capital, and genuinely understands founders' journeys—like a "unicorn" in the space.

The piece concludes by urging founders not to settle: the right VC can make or break a project’s trajectory. (Related reading: The founder financing bible)

Author: rosie , Crypto KOL

Compiled by: Felix, PANews

In the crypto industry, perhaps everyone has to deal with venture capitalists at some point. Some VCs are indeed "rain in time", but most are not. Here is a practical guide to help you identify and screen venture capital institutions.

Note: This article is purely satire and does not insinuate any VC firm. If you feel offended, you probably fall into category 1-9.

1. “We don’t support airdrops”

They will preach about building “real value” while selling their tokens as soon as the lockup expires. What they really mean is “no airdrops to you, but happy to collect my own.” These are the same people who will talk to you about token economics when their own portfolios are down 80%. The first rule of the VC sell-off club is don’t talk about yourself.

2. The “Please work with my marketing agency” VC

They invested $50k and are now trying to get that money back by forcing you to hire their “cousin” marketing agency for $60k. The agency only has three clients: you and two other portfolio companies from the same VC. Their marketing strategy? Buying paid tweets from influencers.

3. “Theme-driven” venture capital

They haven’t updated their investment thesis since 2021. While you’re giving a presentation, they’re talking about “Web3 social” and “metaverse infrastructure” while Googling “what is TEE technology”. But right now, they’ll invest in anything that has “AI” in the business plan.

4. “Founder-friendly” VCs

They spend three weeks doing an in-depth study of your project, have you fill out 17 forms, introduce you to their entire team, and then disappear when it’s time to wire money. Six months later, they’re on Twitter congratulating you on raising money from someone else.

5. VC who “previously worked at a traditional financial company”

They just entered the crypto space in 2022, but they never forget that they worked at Goldman Sachs. They may be in the crypto community now, but they still show off their experience on LinkedIn. Their entire added value lies in "professional email templates" and "best practices for equity structure". They have never used a hardware wallet and they ask what gas fees are.

6. FOMO VCs who “need a response within 24 hours”

They completely ignore your pitch for months until they see another VC mention your space on Twitter. They PM you out of the blue asking for an “urgent call.” They offer terrible terms and a 24-hour deadline. Even if you accept, it takes them three weeks to get the paperwork to you.

7. “We’re long-term holders” on paper

Watched a CNBC interview with Cathie Wood where she said BTC will be $1.5M by 2030 - and they keep reiterating that they are "long term" and "aligned with the founders on the 5-year vision". Yet, once there is a 30% drop, they panic sell and blame "market conditions" saying it is "out of anyone's control". Still, they want the board seat.

8. “Thought Leaders” Who Publish Nothing

They have never launched anything, but have 50k followers, all gained by repeating other people’s ideas. Their top tweet is about “builder culture”, but they have never built anything themselves. They will offer to “consult for you” in exchange for 2% of the project’s tokens. Their advice is usually “Have you tried getting anonymous Twitter influencers to talk about it?”

9. VCs who “wouldn’t normally invest this early”

They seem to be doing you a favor by investing in your seed round, then demand the privileges of a Series B round. They’ll demand daily updates, board control, and direct access to your development team. They’ll even send you a message at 11pm on a Sunday night: “Quick answer - when will the Lamborghini be available?”

10. A builder who truly understands you

They ask the right technical questions. They’ve been through multiple cycles. They won’t waste your time. They bring more value than just money. They understand your vision because they’ve been there themselves.

They are like unicorns – you think they don’t exist, but when you find one, you’ll never choose another.

Don’t compromise when choosing who will invest in your project. The right partners are not only key to success, but also key to saying “we are pivoting to build an AI-powered Web3 social layer for DeFi users” six months from now (VCs bring more than just money).